Risk, irrationality and manipulation

Sneaking up on getting ready to write

I’ve been trying to make friends with the risk of writing again.

With a bit more mental space, I have started reading ‘properly’ again. Umburto Eco, Samuel Beckett and Neil Gaiman have started showing up alongside Terry Pratchett, Robin Hobb and Louise MacMaster Bujold.

Not that one is better than any other, but I find some writing too dense to enjoy while mentally fatigued. It’s like watching a subtitled movie: you know you’re missing so much.

And reading has made me want to create.

“I think I want to put in the work to write a shitty first draft of a poorly-conceived novel this November. But maybe not.”

I haven’t done any real creative writing since my early 20s. I haven’t read critically for a long time, and my brain has mainly been on a fast-food diet of simple stories.

I wouldn’t be happy to publish what I’ve been reading under my name.

And I’ve never had a real go at writing long form fiction.

I can put a lot of energy and time into something that’s quite shitty. Or it might be OK. If it was OK, I could get a publisher or self publish. I could sell a bunch. It might even be commercially successful. But I don’t expect a first novel to actually be good.

There’s a real feeling of creative risk.

The question is whether it’s one I want to take. And can my ego put up with the pain of failure?

Writing a novel is not a short process. Or an easy one. And even getting to a first draft is likely to be months of effort. That’s a lot of work.

But it’s also kind of exciting. Creative risk is part of what a sabbatical is for. That’s what the space allows.

NaNoWriMo, National Novel Writing Month, starts on November 1st. You fast-draft a 50,000 word novel in 30 days.

So if not now, when? (Never. Ish.)

So am I a person who would like to have written a novel? (I think so.)

When I’m equivocating on whether to do something or not, especially when I kind of think I want to say yes, I cheat the decision making. I manipulate myself.

Quite masterfully.

I sneak up on my fearful, threat-obsessed lizard brain by taking small, low risk steps which fulfil the prerequisites of the outcome. By taking these small steps which enable the outcome, I’m creating my own, intentional sunk-cost dilemma.

And while I’m aware of recognising and avoiding sunk cost fallacies in life and business decisions, I have an irrational human brain like the rest of you. I can use it in my favour.

Because if I’ve spent this time, effort and money on all these prerequisites, it would be irrational to stop moving forward with the thing now.

And so I’m stuck on the horns of the dilemma.

Either I have to admit that I really don’t want to do the thing, and I’ve misused my time and effort to date. Or that I should commit to the goal, and take the next step or two.

I never spent so much of myself or my energy that it’s an irreversible decision, but I definitely stack the deck and monkey with the probability.

So, although I know I my first draft of my first novel will be absolute crap…

I’ve read through the nanowrimo website.

I’ve listened to a few writing podcasts. Haven’t found any worth subscribing to yet.

I’ve got a few writing books out of the library, and starting reading them.

I’ve opened up a new notebook for writing about writing. I’m taking notes from the new inputs and getting them all down.

I’m reading and re-reading some of my favourite books. Semi-critically, but mainly just being aware of what I enjoy.

I’m pulling all my meta-writing and narrative studies into the front of my mind while watching TV and movies.

I’ve downloaded my old favourite, Scrivener. It’s a specialist writing app with a lot of flexibility. I haven’t touched this since writing some non-fiction travel books, like Travel Safety and the Art of Couple’s Travel - but it’s always been a reliable and flexible tool.

I’ve started talking about maybe almost kinda wanting to draft a novel. I’m not quite ready to say I want to write a novel yet. But I’m at the point where I’m happy to say I think I want to put in the work to write a shitty first draft of a poorly-conceived novel this November. But maybe not.

And now I’ve told you. So there’s a new risk to the ego if I choose not to go ahead.

So what’s next?

One of my library books has been Fast Fiction by Denise Jaden. It’s written as a prep guide for NaNoWriMo with exercises to build up characters, plot, settings, scenes and symbols. All the building blocks of actually writing a novel.

With 20 days to go until November 1st, I guess I’m going to start exercise 1…